36…

Logan had a love for blowing out candles. The last videos and pictures of her are of her doing just that. Last year she sat on my lap and helped me usher in 35. This year is different. Sometimes when I look around I get mad. I hate that all I have are pictures, blankets, jewelry with her name on it, ripped Bible pages and this emptiness in my heart to remember her by. I don’t want to remember her I want her back. I don’t want to touch a picture to remember what it was like to touch her face or figure out what to do with the literal rats nest that was her hair. I hate that we have to live here on earth with out her. Create new memories with out her. Take family pictures when our family isn’t complete anymore. But here’s the thing, if you could send a note to heaven and ask her if she’d want to be anywhere else she’d check no. I hate that her life was only 2 years 7 months 23 days long but if you asked her she lived a full life. I hate that I didn’t get to love her longer but if you asked her she would tell you she was loved beyond measure. I hate that I have to live out the rest of my years until Jesus calls me home with out her but if you were to ask her she’s creating a space for all of us to be welcomed in when it’s time. The hurt is real and deep and when it feels like there’s nothing to celebrate this year, I look to those reminders as privileges that I was able to love Logan, that her time on earth was full of love and wonder and chickens! The tangible things I have left of her remind me that God entrusted me to take care of her and as a mother I did the best I could. I look around to my 3 other girls and my incredible husband and see that life is still worth celebrating. If I chose to let this dark storm defeat me my family would have to mourn 2 lives. If I didn’t chose life and to seek to see the beautiful again and remember the hope I have in Jesus, there would be no hope that one day I will see her again. 36 I never thought this would be where I’d be at right now but I hope when 37 rolls around I can look back on this year and still have the greatest of hope in my heart and be thankful for the journey God has set forth for my family and myself🐓💜🦋